Thursday, June 23, 2011

In transition

Something about change always makes me feel melancholy and reflective. Tomorrow I move out of my first real apartment. The apartment where I spent my first year out of college and first year in my job. I moved into this apartment just about three weeks after moving home last May. I remember calling my mom as I was on my way to sign the lease asking her if I was making a mistake. Ultimate buyer's remorse - always gets me. She calmed me down and said that I could live anywhere for a year. Well, roughly thirteen months later, I can say she was right.

This apartment has been a really nice first place, but I'm looking forward to what lies ahead. Although the situation with my new apartment is far more stressful and anxiety-causing that I'd like, I really do love the apartment. I love the character of it, the location, and just the general feel of it. Hopefully circumstances don't prevent me from enjoying those things.

What I'm not looking forward to is living in limbo. I don't have a move in date for my new apartment. All of my furniture and boxes will be in a garage in Kimberly while myself and my clothes will be at my mom's house in Appleton. Luckily, I do not have any sort of strong attachment to my "things" so I won't have separation anxiety or anything, but it will be a strange adjustment to live in a place not full of my stuff. This also means that in a few days, weeks, whatever it happens to be I will need to move. Again. I'm paying Two Men & a Truck to move my furniture this time around (I had a nightmare that two of my friends were carrying my big leather sofa down the stairs of my apartment and fell. Broke the couch and themselves. Two Men & a Truck carry insurance for that. I do not.) However, come moving day #2, my absolutely fantastic friends have assured me that they'll be there for me with extra strong muscles and a few open-bed trucks to transport from one ground floor garage to my ground floor apartment (up 2 or 3 porch steps).

I don't generally do well with change. I get very stressed, anxious, and a bit moody. And that's when I know what is coming next. Here I am now, in the midst of change, with no end in sight. Talk about heightened stress, increased anxiety, and terribly moodiness. Monthly hormones aren't helping this situation any either.

Basically, I'm in transition. I'm leaving behind of a lot of memories, good and bad, in this apartment. I threw away some memories last night while packing. And a few came up that I wasn't expecting, but they've been packed away because I wasn't ready to throw them away yet.  So tomorrow starts my "in transition journey." I'll move back home and wait. I'm so incredibly grateful that my mom and Ginny are opening the house up to me, so even though my inside feelings may not agree, I am happy to be able to go home. I'm also excited for the next step in the journey, and the memories that I will create.

Monday, June 20, 2011

Focus on What You Know

**NOTE: I drop the f*bomb in this post. Multiple times. My apologies to my mother, and others offended, but you've been warned!

My friend, JB, and I think. A lot. Too much. We're over-thinkers. We analyze everything. During one of our many spill sessions with each other, JB called it think fucking. We are think fuckers. Later in the conversation, I said that we just need to focus on what we know, because we're always playing the "what if" game and the "but maybe..." game. And so, our new life mantra was created: stop think fucking and focus on what you know.

Well, that's a lot harder than you may realize. Since we came up with this mantra, I've done much better. However, what happens in a situation when what you know is...nothing? Then all there is to do is think. And wonder. And analyze. I've had a few days like that lately. Today being one of them. The last time it happened, I caught myself and repeated "stop thinking fucking. focus on what you know." in my head. And then I acted. Because I didn't know what I needed to know. So I took the steps that needed to be taken to gain that knowledge. And felt a whole lot better afterwards.

What I've learned in the last few months is that some people will like me, and some won't. Some want similar things that I do, and some don't. Some are easy to get a long with and to be with and I just feel connected with them. Others...nothing. But in either situation, I've learned that instead of over analyzing how I'm feeling or trying to over think what has happened or could happen, I need to just act. Say what I feel. Say what I want. Because otherwise I'm wasting time. Mine and theirs. And life is too short to do that.

So I've gotten pretty honest. With myself, and with others. Now, don't take this the wrong way - I'm not going around telling people I don't like them and why. I'm just not holding on to my feelings if something doesn't feel right...or if it feels darn near perfect. And that is liberating. To not hold on to feelings and to just let myself be honest with myself. It's really great.

I still over think. A lot. But I've learned to become more aware of it, and I've learned that sometimes I just need to take the risk and say how I'm feeling. That is so much healthier than holding it in. And even if the consequence isn't great, I'm happier knowing that I've said what I wanted to say.