Wednesday, March 28, 2012

A Work in Progress

Sometimes I wish I could learn lessons without having to live through them. Why do I need to go through something so difficult to realize what I should have known all along? I have been out of college for almost two years now and I feel like I have learned more in these two years than I did in my 17 years of school prior. And I have struggled far more as well. And I still don't feel complete. I'm still not exactly who I want to be, and I'm still making mistakes that I should have learned from.

There are a couple of Pins (duh) that describe how I'm feeling right now.

 I've learned a lot of lessons in the last few months. Anyone close to me has seen the struggles I've been through and has also likely had a hand in helping me through them, for which I am incredibly grateful! But now I'm at a point where I shouldn't be making some of these same mistakes again, but I am and it is SO frustrating to me. Why am I putting myself into a position that I've been in before and had negative results? Why haven't I really learned from this? These have been my thoughts recently. But then I stopped to really look at what was going on. Did I make the same mistake? Well, yes. But did I handle it the same way? No. That realization helped me. Habits are hard to break. I'm probably going to keep making some of the same mistakes over and over again just because I've made certain things habit. It is going to take time to break those bad habits and retrain my brain. But in the meantime, isn't it important that I recognize I have these habits and that even though I am not as in control of them as I'd like to be, that I am able to respond in a different way? That sounds like progress to me. Ideally I just wouldn't make the mistakes anymore. But if I'm going to make the mistakes (and trust me, I am) then at least I know that I handle them in a healthier way.

I like to think that I'm in a much better place than I was 2 or 3 months ago. I've done some soul searching and I've had some people close to me give me much needed tough love. But as evidenced by my mistakes and missteps, I'm not quite where I want to be. My past self is still a barrier to reaching my true self, and that's a tough pill to swallow.

I'm so grateful that I have friends and family by my side for this journey. And I'm grateful that they stick with me even when I do stumble and make mistakes...and then make mistakes again.

So where do I go from here? One of the biggest things that I've learned in dealing with these mistakes is that the best way to get through them is be HONEST and stay POSITIVE. Lying to myself isn't going to help anything. And no one likes a debbie downer! Both of these took time to learn, but that's where my progress is seen. When I screw up, I own it and I confront it. Pushing it aside is just as bad as lying. But I'm not going to dwell on it either. Shit happens. People make mistakes. We're human, no one is perfect. What matters is how you deal with it...and I'm choosing to learn from my mistakes and stop being so hard on myself. I take things very personally, but beating myself up over every little gaffe is just going to bring me down and make change even more difficult. So instead I'm going to focus on what can be learned, what I can do differently next time, and how this can help me become a better person.