Monday, November 5, 2012

Ain't No Sunshine

There is nothing worse, for me personally, than feeling weak. And lately...I have felt really, really weak. My body isn't functioning right, and as of right now, there's nothing i can do about it. And that is scary. And frustrating. And stressful. None of which lends itself well to helping me feel better.

I have been having dizzy/lightheaded episodes on an almost daily basis for over two months. I waited close to a month before going to get it checked out. I wanted to rule out as much as I could on my own before going to the doctor. I monitored my caffeine intake, my alcohol intake, my sleep, my eating patterns. Nothing clued me in to what was causing the symptoms.

The first thing my nurse practitioner did was run a bunch of blood tests. This ruled out iron deficiency, vitamin d (and maybe e?) deficiency, and anything related to glucose. At my next appointment, she sent me to have an EKG to get a baseline for my heart in preparation for a 48 holter monitor, which I did that same week. I pushed the button on the holter monitor a good 3-6 times per day for those 48 hours to record when I was symptomatic. Good news came back - my symptoms were not linked to any irregularities in my heart.

The next week I flew out to Houston for a leadership conference. My lack of symptoms on the plane confirmed (in my mind) that the issue is not an inner ear/vertigo problem. Good.

The last two weeks have included a sleep deprived EEG and an MRI. I will hear the results of these tests tomorrow. But today... I feel weak. I feel as though my mind and my body are operating in two different worlds. It is taking me an uncharacteristically long time to process and put complete thoughts in place. I am shaky, dizzy, and weak.

On top of this all, I am stressed. Life is stressing me out, and I feel weak to it. My biggest fear is not being able to handle my life, and right now...I don't know how to handle my life. I am in a constant battle between how I feel and what I actually do. My brain and my heart are not connecting - they are driving down two totally different roads. What I know in my mind to be "right" does not match up with what I feel is "right for me".

I am in a place so foreign to me. I am in a dark and lonely and scary place. And I want so badly to be able to just push the pause button on life. To make everything around me stop, just for moment, so I can pull myself together and get healthy - mentally and physically. I am straining my body and my mind right now, and I just want to be able to stop. Stop stressing, stop worrying.

I have always had such a strong sense of self, and have known where I want to go and what I want to do. And right now, I am so lost. And yet, I'm not actually allowed to be lost. I have jobs. I have responsibilities. I don't get to just be lost. And for some irrational reason, that doesn't seem fair to me.

So tomorrow I will learn if any of this is connected to my brain. I'm not sure what I'm hoping to hear, it's an odd situation. On the one hand, I want to have a healthy brain (of course). On the other hand, I don't want to walk out of that office without an answer.

In the mean time, and even beyond, I am focusing on the good. I am putting positive energy and thoughts around me. For the last five days that has meant being intentional about finding (at least) one thing each day to be thankful for, and to dig into my gratitude and truly experience it. So while my mind and body are in a state of chaos, my heart is so full of gratitude.