Sunday, December 30, 2012

And So It Goes

Below is my New Years blog post from last year...

So, did 2012 test my character and all that I learned about myself in 2011? I think it is safe to say yes is an understatement. This has been the hardest year of my young adult life. I have been hurt, scared, disappointed, confused, and lost more than any other time in my life. There have been more tears shed in this one year than in the last five combined. And yet, here I am. Still here to write about it all. What a blessing!

I went in to 2012 with the expectation that it would be a hard and not very pleasant year. I didn't think I was being a pessimist by thinking that, more of a realist. And now I can say to myself: I told you so. While I knew it would be tough, what I didn't know was how rewarding the life lessons would be this year. Part of that is because I hadn't fully learned how to learn from them yet. If there is one thing to point to from this year that made it possible for me to get through, it is without a doubt the fact that I learned to look at my life with the following question always in my mind: "what am I going to learn from this?"

What am I going to learn from this?

- I had multiple failed dates in 2012. I learned what I want in a partner. I learned what I don't want. I learned to slow down, let things happen naturally, and relinquish some control.

- I went a few weeks (or more) without talking to some of my closest friends. I learned that friendships can't be taken for granted, that there needs to be equal give and take, that it isn't always easy or fun, but that true friends will always be there for you as you grow and learn in life.

- I made myself incredibly vulnerable to the one person whose opinion of me meant more than
anyone else's. I learned that being 100% myself, letting every true part of me show, and standing up for how I felt can be the answer and solution when a friendship is on the rocks. This person is now my most trusted confidant, my steady rock, and the one person who has seen the deepest, darkest parts of my soul and continues to love and accept me.

- I started going to counseling. I learned that I don't have to do or know it all, I don't always need to be strong, and I still have a lot to learn about myself. I also learned that I have within me the strength and determination to be the best me, and I'm getting closer every single day.

- I lost my job. I learned so much in the weeks leading up to the conversation, and have learned a lot in the last week and a half. Sometimes things don't work out how you planned, but I learned that they generally work out just the way they're supposed to. I wrote about some health issues I was having a few months ago. I had blood tests, heart monitors, EEGs, EKGs, and MRIs. I learned that my body is as healthy as can be, but that I didn't know how to handle my job-related stress. I learned that this stress was likely being caused my the fact that I was spending 8+ hours adapting my personality to my workplace. I learned that I am a round peg trying to fit into the square hole of development. Since losing my job, I have learned that I am not alone, that I have an amazing support system, that I am not my job but I am my passion, that I am going to be ok.

- I rediscovered my faith. I still have doubts and questions, but there are a few things I am sure of: God loves me and has a plan for my life, prayer works- God may not answer how you want him to, but he listens and the more you lean in to him, the more he will provide. Two people came into my life this year (ok, one was last year...whatever) who lit the spark I needed to work on this area in my life. I truly believe God put them in my life for this purpose, and I am so very thankful for them.

I learned all of that and then some. It was a hard, hard year and my character was definitely tested. And now I'm going into 2013 with a much deeper understanding of myself and the world I live in. I'm not naive enough to think that there won't be challenges ahead, but I do think this year will be the year I get to celebrate and enjoy all of the life lessons I've learned. I am starting the year in a truly happy place, and think it is only going to go up from here.

I have to say, this year would have been so much harder than it already was if I didn't have the most amazing friends and family. I've never felt so blessed!

With that, I wish everyone a happy new year! :)