I haven't been sleeping very well the last few nights. I'm in a new city, a new home, a new bed. There are sounds I don't recognize, and so much to think about and digest. At one point last night, I woke up, and was just thinking about how my first days in Colorado have been. Full of ups and downs, excitement, nerves, fear. It got me thinking - you can travel your life one of two ways: like you're on a roller coaster, or like you're on a train.
Trains are very direct, calculated, safe. When you travel your life like a train, you focus on your destination, and the best way to connect point A and point B. Bumps, twists, and detours are rare and can be cause for crisis.
Roller coasters are built to withstand all of the twists, turns, loop-de-loops. Those are the parts that make the ride fun, interesting, and worthwhile. When you travel your life like a roller coaster, you expect all of that excitement. It's also probably what you scares you the most...and yet you still do it.
So, here I am. I've chosen to travel my life via roller coaster, and I'm currently mid-air on a loop-de-loop. I'm terrified. My stomach is in my throat. My eyes are welling with tears. My knuckles are white.
But once I hit the downturn of this loop...my face will have the biggest grin plastered on it, and my belly will be full of butterflies. That's the feeling that makes roller coasters worth all of the fear. And it's the anticipation of that feeling that is making this season of struggle worth it to me.
Wednesday, September 11, 2013
I wanted to write a blog post about my trip out west. About how I'm feeling, what I'm thinking. But I didn't feel like I had any words to describe it. And then my friend asked me how I'm feeling. He said he was trying to imagine what he would feel- excited , nervous, happy, sad, proud, scared.
Yup. I feel it all. I think the top two are excited and scared shitless. Which makes me nervous. Which then reminds me that this isn't mine to worry about, I'm doing what I've been called to do. So then I feel a strange sort of calm...
Honestly, this whole adventure started because of a gut feeling while I was on a plane, flying in to Denver for a layover on the way to San Diego. I could just feel it. That now was the time to go. And when you're going off of that, off of something so out of your control...it's scary. And yet calming.